The man who knows no foreign language, knows nothing of his mother.

Four Jewish brothers

Four Jewish brothers left home for college. They became successful doctors, and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama”. The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house”. The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with chauffeur”. The fourth said, “Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah. And you know, too, she can’t read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100000 a year for 20 years to the temple. Let me tell was worth it. All Mama has to do is name a chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote:
Milton, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but l have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.
Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.
Menachim, You give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I'll never use it Thank you far the gesture just the same.
Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.

A Jewish man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, and how are you.”
“Not too good,” says the mother. “I've been ‘very weak.”
The son says, “Why are you so weak?"
She says, “Because, I haven’t eaten in 38 days."
“Mama,” the man says, “that's terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?” The mother answers, “Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.” 

A Holiday for the Rabbi
A Jewish congregation in suburban Toronto honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.
She greets the Rabbi with, Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the President of the shul arranged for you.
The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the shul and shouts, Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this.
Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.
The Rabbi turns to her and asks, Where are you going? I'm not angry with you.

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