Today was a bad day.
This morning I made a terrible error. I was sincere with an Italian woman. Concettina asked me if her bottom looked big in her new jeans. She asked me to be totally honest with her. So I was.
“Yes,” I told her, “very big.”
She didn’t talk to me again after that. This is usually a sign that I am in big trouble.
So I went to Dave’s house to talk to another Englishman about it and that’s when I made the shocking discovery.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dave is English no more, he has transformed into an Italian.
There were many signs. Last week he moved his hands around while on the telephone, he even said “Mamma mia!” at the end of the call. Then last night he arrived at the restaurant 15 minutes late!
At the restaurant he then refused to put ketchup on his pasta and ordered water with his dinner which was fish with a piece of lemon!
Then, when I asked him how he was, he answered: "Tired.” But then the worst thing of all happened. Our friend Marco came and I said hello as always, but Dave embraced him, and then he kissed him on the face!
When I asked Dave about this, he told me to “Stai calmo” then he ordered tea but not ordinary tea, no, cold tea with lemon!
That’s when I knew we had to talk.
“Dave, have you told your mother?”
‘Told her what?”
“Have you told her that you are Italian now? I think she should know.” “What are you talking about?” he said.
“Dave, listen,” I said, “I am still your friend; you don’t have to hide these things from me! But, please, be open and face reality... Do you want me to call you Davide?”
Returning home, I saw that he has also started to drive like an Italian, which means now I have to take the bus to work.
Back at home, I didn’t feel well.
“Are you ok? Davide asked.
“No,” I answered.
Then he started asking me strange questions.
“Did you sleep with the window open?” he asked.
I didn’t answer. “I’m having a bath I told him.
“You can’t!” he shouted.
“I can’t have a bath?” I asked.
“No!” he said. “You just ate dinner!”
I sat down again. I wanted this explained.
“What are you saying Dave?”
"If you eat, then have a bath with the window open, you’ll sweat and die.”
“Dave?” I said. “So are you saying that on some death certificates in Italy you can find ‘had a bath with the window open’ under ‘cause of death’?”
‘Probably, he answered.
Well,” I said, “call me crazy, call me a mad hero... but I will take the risk, Dave, I’m going to have a bath... and if I don’t come back into this room alive, please tell my mother I loved her. Tell Concetta that I’m sorry about being sincere about her gigantic bottom and tell her I loved her too.”
And before I had a bath, I went running for half an hour to get nice and sweaty, then I opened all the windows and had my bath.
This was suicide according to Dave... but I survived. Maybe an Italian would be dead after five minutes, we will never know.
1. What was “very big”?
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2. What did Dave say at the end of a telephone conversation?
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3. How late was Dave at the restaurant?
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4. What did Dave refuse to put on his pasta?
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5. Where did Dave kiss Marco?
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6. Who does Dave drive like now?
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7. Why couldn’t John have a bath?
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8. What will happen to John if he has a bath?
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9. For how long did John run before his bath?
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10. What would possibly happen to an Italian in the same situation?
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